I had this long speech written, and as I sat here to to type it, I realized, it is better to just let it flow. Type it as it comes to my head. This speech is about you, the women in bodybuilding, fitness, figure, and MMA. Women who bust their ass on a daily bases to look how you want to look. It is not about me. But you are the people that inspire me. You are the people that made me come to a decision, and this is my way of letting you know how I feel.
I was born with a disease called leg perthies. Basically the short version is it is a degenerative hip condition. My hip is basically deteriorating. For all 33 years of my life, my hip has hurt. There are times I can not sleep at night. My legs are about an inch different in length because of it. Basically the hip needs replaced. I can not afford it. The doctors told my mom i would not be able to play sports as a kid. Well, I proved them wrong and I played sports. I was pretty damn good at it to. The told my mom it would be replaced by age 20 or I would be in a wheel chair. Here I am at 33 and I am walking with my own two feet. I sort of make it a habit of proving people wrong. I also had a bad speech problem. In third grade while reading in class my teacher said to me " if you are gonna talk like an idiot, I will let someone else read". My speech is great now, but that hurt, and school was never the same. I dropped out of high school and got my G.E.D.
When I turned 18, the pain in my leg was bad. Real bad. I became less and less active and basically got pretty overweight. Started to hang out with people who were not into sports, and more into drinking and smoking pot. Did I drink? Yep. Did I smoke? Nope. But I was the one who didn't. The one who did not fit in with the people I hung out with. I have a "friend" who is in jail for life for killing someone. Why did he kill the man? So him and his friends could steal the guy's $12. I am 33 and have 6 friends from that time who are dead. I realized I needed to distance myself from that.
At 21 I met a girl. I fell in love quick. Call my a loser, but it was my first real girlfriend. Yes I dated, but never serious. She cheated on me, I took her back. She cheated again, I took her back. Finally we broke up. She was pregnant. She ended up having a miscarriage, which is not her fault. But her and her mother blamed me, saying I put too much stress on her by not taking her back. All these years later I still have dreams once in awhile where a young girl just keeps yelling at me "why did you let me die". I have no problem admitting I am crying as I write this. Also a girl I became very close with and dated, also cheated on me. I took her back, and she stole a lot of money from me for drugs. She got me to remain friends, and I was still giving her money because she said she needed it for things for her daughter. Well that was a lie. I got to the point where I said "all this things keep happening and the only common denominator is me. I must be the problem".
I am living with my parents. I am not ashamed. My dad is a retired police officer who has had major heart problems and I was afraid to have my mom be stuck alone, so I am here for her. He is better now, and as soon as I find work I can be out of here again. But it makes me feel like a loser, even though it is only out of concern for my mom. For years I have dealt with depression. Still do. When people convince you that you are a loser, you start to believe it.
All my life I have been fascinated by bodybuilders. But was embarrassed to do it myself. All my life I have felt that fit muscular women were the most beautiful women of all. It made me very angry when people said they looked like me, or that they were not feminine. When did muscles become a gender specific thing. Why is a woman looking like a man because she has big arms. That is why i admire the women more. They work just as hard in bodybuilding, fitness, figure, whatever they do, as the men, yet get no credit. They get half the coverage, half the respect, and compete for half the prize money. But as beautiful as I found them, I never realized until I started working out, how much more there was to them. Now I have talked to so many of you, and have such respect and admiration for how hard you work. Which brings me to where I am now.
A few months ago, I looked in a mirror and was disgusted. I looked terrible. I said right then and there, that my hip made me get to damn lazy, and that the doctors were right. The people who called em a loser were right. I vowed then and there to get in shape. I fell in love right away. I said to myself now I can do bodybuilding. I love it. I got on Facebook and started meeting so many women and men in bodybuilding and fitness, and have found the women are for the most part more friendly and supportive, and that is part of why I support them so much. One person who I really began to appreciate was a woman named Laura Kline. Her story was very similar to mine, and she inspired me. She is months away from her first figure show, and is going to rock it. And you know why she will? Because she can. It is that simple. She can do it, so she will do it. So I started to think, I can do this. I want to be as thin as I can, I want to be as muscular as I can, and I want to be as healthy as I can. And I can do it.
Many of you said I should set competing as a goal. "No way" I said. I am way to shy. I could never be on a stage and have all eyes on me. Besides I am 33 and just starting out, so long to go before I could even think about it. But the more I thought about it, the more I became interested. I knew I had to find out more. I still am learning about so many aspects. But then it got to the point I asked so many people, that I got so many answers and it just confused me and I was ready to forget that dream. That is when I realized, yes, I only know most of you from Facebook, but I feel you are friends, because so many said not to give up. I think my problem is I simply listened to too many people. Not everyone is the same. What works for you, may not work for me. What works for him, might not work for you. I realized I need to listen to one or two people. You all are great, but how can I learn what works best for me, if 50 people are all giving me different advice. All the advice is great, but not all the same. Enter Sarah Kinney.
Sarah is new to competing but not new to the gym. I recently met her through Facebook, and she did an interview. I was impressed and she now will be righting a new article each week for this blog. She offered me her help in getting me where I need and want to be. She is all the way across the country, but sometimes you click with someone. You know they are the one to help you. I am going to take her help, let her give me her thoughts. Basically I am going to give myself to her and let her help me, and not question her. Even last night I was ready to quit and she kept telling me not to. I need that.
So the point is this. I think I can compete. I know it will take a few years. I have a good amount of body fat to lose. I do not look like a bodybuilder. But I can at some point. If I were to get on stage, I would prove the medical community wrong. I can prove a lot of people in my life wrong. I can prove myself wrong. I can prove a whole hell of a lot of people wrong. All those times I just said the word "can". Let's change them. Let's make that word "will" I will prove the medical community wrong. I will prove a lot of people in my life, past and present , wrong. I will prove myself wrong. I will prove all of you who have supported, encouraged, and inspired me RIGHT. It is going to take time. BUT I WILL GET ON STAGE AND COMPETE IN A BODYBUILDING COMPETITION. I will get on stage and even if I finish dead last, I will be the biggest winner of all. I want to make all who have encouraged me, proud of me, to make you all know your time and effort was not for nothing. Everyone else who is in that competition will be competing to try and win first, and first will be their victory. For me, competing will be my victory.
All of you in my life who have said I was a loser, was worthless, made me feel like crap, I hope you are all taking notice, because in a few years, you are going to be proven wrong. That I am not a loser, I am not worthless, I am me, and me is something I am proud to be.
Thank each and everyone of you for your support. Everything I accomplish, every pound I lose, every inch I add to my arm, every 5 pounds I add to me bench, every lest rep I do, every minute of that day when I can say "i am a competitive bodybuilder" would not have happened with out you!!!!!!!!!!!!!